Unapologetically Me

Sunday morning journaling at 918 Coffee in Tulsa

I've never been homesick before in my life, so naturally it took a while for me to recognize the emotion I'm feeling as homesickness.

The first week of Teach for America training flew by, and it left me spinning in circles Friday night.

Seriously.

I miss my friends and my cat, and the coffee shops and restaurants I'm so used to going to in Phoenix. These emotions, when compounded with all the teaching techniques and social justice information I learned in the past week, have been lot to process--so I've been focusing one thing this weekend:

Being unapologetically myself.

I'm pretty good at this when I'm with people I already know, but whenever I'm thrown in with a group of new people, I have a hard time owning my unique likes and dislikes.

For example, I dislike going out and I really dislike most pop music--but it's hard to make friends and bond with people who are SUPER into these things.

I'd rather sit around and play Cards Against Humanity while drinking wine and listen to Sufjan Stevens or Iron and Wine than go bar hopping.

So I'm working on owning that part of myself and hopefully will find some friends who like the same things as I do.

Goodbyes

I'm not particularly a fan of the whole goodbye thing. I've helped three friends move across state lines in the past two years, and I usually end up in blubbering tears, boarding a train/plane/sitting shotgun with an upset stomach because I hate leaving and knowing my friends won't be within two hours of me. Granted, I'm ultimately comforted by the fact that my friends are growing and experiencing amazing things in their new lives--but that doesn't make it easier.

Jackie just graduated and moved to New York to pursue her dream job of public relations for Broadway and theater-related places. After graduation and before going to New York, she had to go home to Chicago, and I accompanied her.

We spent time in her suburban home town as well as the big city, and took ample time scoping out the picturesque train station where I eventually boarded an Amtrak to cross the country. We cried big ugly alligator tears as we hugged goodbye, and she cried in the taxi to her podiatrist and I cried in the station waiting to board my train. 

We've only been friends for three years, but in those three years of tight knit friendship, we've never lived far apart for a long span of time. Our friendship blossomed in the craziest way--we were randomly matched together to be roommates at ASU after I signed up to live in the dorms a few days after the cutoff, and after a few of her previous roommate plans had fallen through. We knew nothing of each other, but we bonded over an intricately made music video that piqued our interests.

Hannah, who I helped move to Dallas in January, is my closest friend. We've known each other for 20 years (give or take a few months). She moved away for a lucrative job offer, and now she's enjoying eating at Velvet Taco all the time.

We were blubbering messes when she dropped me off at the airport to fly back to Phoenix. I cried all the way through the TSA lines, and the TSA employee was surprisingly sympathetic for someone who is so often associated with long lines and terse interactions.

I finally stopped crying about her being gone once I landed in Phoenix (no joke--in all the years of our friendship, she and I have never lived in a different state. I cried off and on the whole way home). Occasionally she comes back to Phoenix (but not while I'm in town) and I also plan to go visit her on my way to Tulsa soon (more on that later).

Brenna, the first friend I helped move across state lines, is also one of my oldest friends (but, long story short, we weren't close until about 2011.) Two years ago, I drove up to Portland with her, her brother Ben, and our best friend Raquel. There was one moment in the car ride when I realized that I'd be leaving her there, and I was overwhelmed with sadness.

We made the most of the day and a half we had in Portland, and then left to return to Phoenix. The ride back was sad and filled with stomach aches because I missed her so much already. Now, two years later, she is doing swell and my upset stomach finally subsided. She's got a good job at a local Portland, Oregon shoe store and she's almost done with her Bachelor's degree.

While it hurts to see three of my four best friends scattered across the country, I'm encouraged by them. They all moved away to pursue what they thought was best for themselves--Brenna left to experience something new and begin an adventure; Hannah left to start her "adult" life at her first "big girl job" in a city with an amazing food scene; and Jackie went to New York to pursue a life long dream of working in theater (and there is no better place to do that than Broadway.)

Now, these ladies' dreams may change someday. Their priorities may shift and they may find themselves back in Phoenix (or, you know, Chicago for Jackie.) But if they do end up back here, I have no doubt it would not be because they gave up, but rather because they wanted to pursue a new dream.

For now, even though I miss them and hated leaving them in their different new cities, I'm so incredibly proud of them for chasing their dreams, turning them into plans, and making those plans reality.

Amy Tangerine

Brainstorm

A photo posted by A M A N D A 🌵 (@mandalyn93) on Mar 2, 2015 at 7:41am PST

Earlier today, I was sitting in my office with my feet kicked up, cup of coffee in hand, staring out the window behind my desk. The sound of cars speeding in front of me mixed with "Bitter Memory" by Bahamas as it played behind me.

If anyone would have asked what I was doing, the answer would have been "brainstorming."

Half true; half false.

I was devoting some of my attention to brainstorming the March newsletter (which I probably should have finished earlier this week, but my bosses had other things for me to do so c'est la vie) but I was definitely also thinking about other things. Life things.

My brain was a literal storm.

Thoughts of fulfillment rumbled and dumped rain upon plains of emptiness. Waves of confidence crashed upon cliffs of uncertainty.

I don't know what I'm doing with my life right now, and it's driving me up the wall. I miss learning things in school. I miss spending all day outdoors and in the sun working at camp. I miss interacting with and helping students at the Writing Center. I'm longing for fulfillment and enjoyment of things I've experienced in the past because I'm not finding fulfillment right now.

Have I ever found fulfillment in a job? Maybe.

When I worked at camp, I worked upwards of 60 hours a week and the people I worked with were amazing and the kids I got to hang out with were inspiring. At the writing center, I helped non-traditional students, freshmen and refugees understand the nuances of the English language. Every time I saw the face of a student as he or she understood the difference between a contraction and a plural for the first time, I lit up and knew I changed a little bit of that student's life.

Even when I was an unpaid intern at Roosevelt Row CDC, I felt like I had purpose. People engaged with our Facebook page. They went crazy for adaptive reuse and walkability, which are also two things I go crazy for. I also got to spend a lot of my required working hours taking photos for the Monday Mural campaign and for First and Third Fridays. I wasn't making money, but I was only working 25 hours a week and totally had a great opportunity to collaborate with my supervisor, learn new marketing skills, and interact with the community.

And I really miss all of that.

 My fulfillment doesn't come from money. It doesn't come from job security. It isn't buried in my 401k, or the promise of a comfortable retirement where I'll be able to travel.

Fulfillment, to me, is the ability to engage others and encourage others to care about something important while investing in those around me. Fulfillment is being able to enjoy life now rather than waiting to enjoy it when I'm older.

I don't see a lot of this fulfillment in my life right now, and I'm trying to figure out what to do about that.

Texas and moving time.

You may (or may not) have noticed I didn't post a #tuesdayblogday last week.

It's because Tuesday was my Monday and the week was CRAY CRAY. I spent the preceding weekend in Texas with my best friend, Hannah.

We made it 💕 #HJtakesTX

A photo posted by 🌵 A M A N D A 🌵 (@mandalyn93) on Jan 9, 2016 at 9:41am PST

Together we embarked on a 14-16 hour drive that left her in Texas and left me bawling my eyes out at the airport.

She accepted a job with Geico which meant she needed to move from Arizona to Texas, the land of the oil fields and smelly flatlands.

I was (obviously) super bummed to be leaving her in a different state. She's my oldest and closest friend, and also the fifth or sixth of my friends to move out of state in the past two years. Arizona is starting to feel pretty lonely.

But, on the flip side of the loneliness, it was really cool to help her move and be a part of that life event. She even let me decorate her wall <3

Helping Hannah move made me even more excited to move. I got to think about how I'll decorate my room and get an idea of how little stuff I actually need in my new apartment (hello, minimal chic?) It was definitely a bummer leaving her in Texas (even the TSA agent sympathized with me while I was bawling at the security checkpoint) but I got a sweet, simple taste of moving.

Dear 2015: A Letter

Dear 2015,

Goodbye.

You were neither the best nor the worst year on the books. You started on incredibly positive notes, with a minute hangover after a brilliant triple date party with some of the coolest people I knew but don't talk to anymore. The people who kicked off 2015 with me are in infinitely different places as well, and I can't help but wonder how their years are ending in Boston/Flagstaff/married/etc.

January saw the continuation of a healthy, positive relationship that I still intensely miss at times, as well as the beginning stages of an amazing school project on immigration and border issues.

February ushered in a season of stress, when time continued to pass and the countdown to my Nicaragua trip continued getting smaller. Feb, you also saw the somewhat blindsiding end of that relationship.

But who has time to grieve a relationship when you have to orchestrate discussions with at least ten people 3,000 miles away, most of whom only speak Spanish. March saw the mid-mark of my final semester of university, as well as a massive journalism trip out of the country. 

The remaining time before graduation is a blur. 2015, what did you do to me?! Everything between Nicaragua and May 4th bleeds together in a pool of stress and words. I had to write about 15,000 words between January and the beginning of May, and those words just swam in my head and left me sitting in coffee shops for too long.

But May 4th--I remember that day. Mitch, my closest and oldest Cronkite friend, took me to Disneyland to celebrate graduation and my completion of college. I'm so glad that through the years, miles and differences, Mitch is in my life and around to support me as much as he does. 2015, I hope he's around as much in 2016 as he has been in the past.

A photo posted by 🌵 A M A N D A 🌵 (@mandalyn93) on May 12, 2015 at 6:28pm PDT

Graduation happened. That still doesn't feel real--I remember walking across the stage, shaking hands, accepting the diploma. It happened so fast. All of May happened fast--I graduated on a Tuesday, partied on a Saturday, and left for camp on a Sunday.

Ah, dear dear camp. 2015! You brought me to learn so much while working at UCYC for the summer. I honed my leadership skills, my communication abilities. I built strong friendships, I spent time outside every single day. I learned what second mile service means, and how to clean a cabin until it is absolutely spotless. I spent three months building friendships, biceps and some siiiiiick tan lines, not to mention a relationship that was all good until it wasn't good anymore.

The learning continued after I fell off that cliff while rappelling. I learned how to accept myself for who I am even when I hated me. I hated how I felt when I was stuck on the couch for six weeks as my broken knee healed, but now I have a great respect for the strength and ability of my body. I learned that it's okay to have times where you're completely not productive and are contributing nothing to society, and that I (continuously) need to stop comparing my accomplishments to the accomplishments of others.

2015, it was really hard to sit on the couch watching Doctor Who for weeks on end while I saw my classmates who graduated at the same time as me get jobs in other cities and states. I wanted to be them, in their shoes, as opposed to in my shoes with one chicken leg and one normal leg, struggling to shower every day.

But I did learn a lot from it. And after my knee healed, I did get hired into a "big girl job"--which is where I stand now. Working 40 hours a week never sounded so sweet, but I'm thankful for the setup I have and the experience I'm gaining.

Pause. Back to that camp relationship... Maybe it wasn't so shitty, but dang. I could have done without that heartbreak. Although, as in all hard things, I learned a lot. I learned the importance in seriously dating someone who has the same maturity as yourself. I learned that the way you communicate with your significant other is important, and certain breakdowns in communication can ruin relationships. I learned a lot, and for that, I am thankful. But as my camp boss said, breakups aren't bad. They just mean you're one step closer to finding someone you'll spend forever with.

Now, here I am, 2015. I'm very much still processing this past year, with the good relationships and the bad, the lost and the found. The concrete and the abstract. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with my future, and that scares me a little--but I do know I will figure it out, and that I don't have to figure it out immediately.

So, goodbye 2015. You didn't suck, but I hope 2016 is better.

La la la love,
Amanda

Adulthood

Lunch + apartment hunting

A photo posted by Amanda (@mandalyn93) on Nov 28, 2015 at 1:25pm PST

While the extended Thanksgiving weekend was nice, I spent a lot of Friday and basically all of Saturday doing adult things I've never done before.

When you turn 18, they tell you "Hey, you can vote. You can buy tobacco. You're an adult."
But they don't tell you other important things, like how to create and manage a 401k that's part Roth IRA and part whatever the other option is; or how to find a primary care physician to list on your insurance application when you actually haven't seen a normal doctor (Minute Clinic NP's don't count) in at least two years.

So, after a lot of moaning and cringing, I filled out my insurance and 401k paperwork on Friday with ample help from my mother God bless her soul, then stuffed my face with pie and went to see Spotlight with my best friend Hannah.

I should have known seeing a movie about a group of badass depth reporting journalists would make me second guess my current career choice.

ugh i want to get back into journalism

But really. I'm quite happy in my career, and I'm really going to need that paycheck to keep on coming because my weekend was crowned with apartment shopping! I spent all day Saturday looking at apartments with my cousin. It was pretty exhausting, but also very fun to see the variety of apartments out there.

We looked at a very modern one that grabbed both of our hearts, but without secure parking or two bathrooms, it wasn't a logical choice. After touring all of them, we went to Lux, grabbed some hot drinks, hashed out the pros and cons of each complex and finally settled on a two bed, two bath apartment that we'll begin to call home in January!

To finish it all off, I've created a list called "Adulthood: Things I'm Saving For"

• A capsleeve tattoo
• A cafe racer (or new car)
• A trip to Iceland (actually happening next November)
• A condominium, because Lord knows I never want to pay application/hold/deposit fees on another apartment, like, ever again.