Dear 2015: A Letter

Dear 2015,

Goodbye.

You were neither the best nor the worst year on the books. You started on incredibly positive notes, with a minute hangover after a brilliant triple date party with some of the coolest people I knew but don't talk to anymore. The people who kicked off 2015 with me are in infinitely different places as well, and I can't help but wonder how their years are ending in Boston/Flagstaff/married/etc.

January saw the continuation of a healthy, positive relationship that I still intensely miss at times, as well as the beginning stages of an amazing school project on immigration and border issues.

February ushered in a season of stress, when time continued to pass and the countdown to my Nicaragua trip continued getting smaller. Feb, you also saw the somewhat blindsiding end of that relationship.

But who has time to grieve a relationship when you have to orchestrate discussions with at least ten people 3,000 miles away, most of whom only speak Spanish. March saw the mid-mark of my final semester of university, as well as a massive journalism trip out of the country. 

The remaining time before graduation is a blur. 2015, what did you do to me?! Everything between Nicaragua and May 4th bleeds together in a pool of stress and words. I had to write about 15,000 words between January and the beginning of May, and those words just swam in my head and left me sitting in coffee shops for too long.

But May 4th--I remember that day. Mitch, my closest and oldest Cronkite friend, took me to Disneyland to celebrate graduation and my completion of college. I'm so glad that through the years, miles and differences, Mitch is in my life and around to support me as much as he does. 2015, I hope he's around as much in 2016 as he has been in the past.

A photo posted by 🌵 A M A N D A 🌵 (@mandalyn93) on May 12, 2015 at 6:28pm PDT

Graduation happened. That still doesn't feel real--I remember walking across the stage, shaking hands, accepting the diploma. It happened so fast. All of May happened fast--I graduated on a Tuesday, partied on a Saturday, and left for camp on a Sunday.

Ah, dear dear camp. 2015! You brought me to learn so much while working at UCYC for the summer. I honed my leadership skills, my communication abilities. I built strong friendships, I spent time outside every single day. I learned what second mile service means, and how to clean a cabin until it is absolutely spotless. I spent three months building friendships, biceps and some siiiiiick tan lines, not to mention a relationship that was all good until it wasn't good anymore.

The learning continued after I fell off that cliff while rappelling. I learned how to accept myself for who I am even when I hated me. I hated how I felt when I was stuck on the couch for six weeks as my broken knee healed, but now I have a great respect for the strength and ability of my body. I learned that it's okay to have times where you're completely not productive and are contributing nothing to society, and that I (continuously) need to stop comparing my accomplishments to the accomplishments of others.

2015, it was really hard to sit on the couch watching Doctor Who for weeks on end while I saw my classmates who graduated at the same time as me get jobs in other cities and states. I wanted to be them, in their shoes, as opposed to in my shoes with one chicken leg and one normal leg, struggling to shower every day.

But I did learn a lot from it. And after my knee healed, I did get hired into a "big girl job"--which is where I stand now. Working 40 hours a week never sounded so sweet, but I'm thankful for the setup I have and the experience I'm gaining.

Pause. Back to that camp relationship... Maybe it wasn't so shitty, but dang. I could have done without that heartbreak. Although, as in all hard things, I learned a lot. I learned the importance in seriously dating someone who has the same maturity as yourself. I learned that the way you communicate with your significant other is important, and certain breakdowns in communication can ruin relationships. I learned a lot, and for that, I am thankful. But as my camp boss said, breakups aren't bad. They just mean you're one step closer to finding someone you'll spend forever with.

Now, here I am, 2015. I'm very much still processing this past year, with the good relationships and the bad, the lost and the found. The concrete and the abstract. I'm not entirely sure what I want to do with my future, and that scares me a little--but I do know I will figure it out, and that I don't have to figure it out immediately.

So, goodbye 2015. You didn't suck, but I hope 2016 is better.

La la la love,
Amanda

Adventure is out there.

The last major trip I got to go on was to Michigan. I drove across the country, from Arizona to Michigan, in about 30 hours' time. I woke up on Route 66, I ate a sub for breakfast while looking over the freeway somewhere near Missouri (I think.) It was a whirlwind of a trip, but I don't regret it. It was an adventure--not a vacation.

I don't want to write too much about vacation travel right here (I have a whole blog dedicated to that) but I do want to write about adventure. The trouble is, I'm not sure how to define it.

It's the feeling I get when I set foot in an airport, backpack strapped around my chest. The pit of my stomach lifts like I'm on a roller coaster as I hear the hustle and bustle of people on the move. My senses tense up and relax; my anxieties disappear.

It's how my heart beats when I'm somewhere risky. Exploring an abandoned building, following a protest with my camera, biking somewhere at night. I know I could very well be in harm's way, but I also know I'll be fine.

It's the voice of a stranger with whom I've struck up a conversation. Discussing things like we've known each other for years, listening to the words hanging between us as the train rumbles onward, the plane slices through air, or the cars pass on the sidewalk.

Adventure is the assurance of a large world to be explored as well as the small place I have been given to occupy.

Reasons It's Okay to be Single

A photo posted by 🌵 A M A N D A 🌵 (@mandalyn93) on Sep 16, 2015 at 3:11pm PDT

So I'm relatively recently single, and I want to take a second and point out that this isn't a bad thing, it's actually a very good thing that should be savored and enjoyed for all that it's worth. Plus I need to work on my retaliation for when my mother insists I try dating someone. So here's a list with no explanations because ain't nobody got time for that*.

Free Time
Sometimes nothing is better than a solid evening with friends. Or a run at the gym. Or an impromptu trip to a different city. Without a serious relationship, there's more free time to do things and less of an expectation to spend so much time with one person.

Noncommitment
See: Casual Dating

Travel
Traveling with a partner is great, but do you know what's even better? Traveling by yourself. You can meet people and talk to strangers and go to the opera with friends of friends and not have to deal with what your partner wants to do.

Mobility
It's definitely easier to move from point A to point B if you only have to account for one person's desires, free time and stuff. You can move easier. You can move free-er. You can pick up and go somewhere at the drop of a hat, and you don't have to take someone else's opinion into account.

Friendships
I have this theory, and it's been proven time and time again. The longer you're in a committed relationship, the more and more your friendships begin to suffer. The less time you spend with friends. Not dating someone means you can spend more time with friends, because you don't have a significant other expecting you to spend a bunch of time with them.

One less responsibility
One less Christmas present to buy.

Casual Dating 
If you want to get dinner with three different guys in the course of the week, you can totally do that. And it's A-OKAY.

Self-love
You can focus on yourself. You can buy yourself that pedicure rather than taking your partner out to dinner. You can spend a night in, reading a poetry book, and you don't have to feel guilty or feel like you should be spending time with your partner.

Future
Nobody else is depending on the choices you make! If you decide you want to move to Rome to pursue a Master's degree for two years, you don't have to worry about pursuing a long term relationship, or worry about uprooting your partner. You have the mobility and freedom to move around and do whatever you want in the future, or even in the present. And it's great.

*Explanations finally added 12/28/2015

Thoughts and Prayers

My current feelings.

When I returned from my lunch break on Wednesday, I saw news of the San Bernardino shooting all over Twitter. I took a second, took a breath, and let out a deeeeeep sigh.

Is anyone else tired of this?

Really. Stop. Look at the above question.

Is anybody else tired, weary, exhausted of seeing/hearing/reading about gun-caused massacres?

I am.

Not soon after first seeing the event on twitter, I looked up the LA Times article and prepared to share it on Facebook (because that's what I do--I like hammering home the shit when it happens. I like drawing attention to all that's bad in our world. My hope is that, by doing this, people will be led to create change.)

So I started drafting the post. I typed out "My thoughts and prayers" and stopped in my tracks.

My thoughts and prayers? Ugh. That phrase is growing overused, which is a problem in and of itself. There have been more mass shootings than there have been days in 2015. The positive sentiments behind "thoughts and prayers," didn't feel deep or meaningful enough to convey my attitude and intention. So I erased those words and simply went with something along the lines of "Not agaaaaaaaain." to caption the news article.

Apparently I'm not the only one who believes "thoughts and prayers" are not enough at this point. President Obama said so back when the Oregon shooting occurred two months ago. But the New York Daily News took it even farther today with a headline of "God Isn't Fixing This."

What? God isn't coming out of the sky to magically stop violence from occurring? Wow, that's a real shock.

Christian friends, before you start to argue about the truth/falsity behind this headline, I want to explain where I'm going with this.

Throughout the Bible, God worked through His people. God used Moses and Aaron to demonstrate His power and strength over Egypt. God used Paul, who was formerly a persecutor of Christians, to spread the story of Jesus across the continent.

And God is still at work in his people. There are missionaries across the world doing unspeakably wonderful things in the name of God (and if you don't believe this, I can point you to some people with some great stories--just ask me.)


My point is that God uses His people to do ahmaaaaazing things.

So while the world stands back and says "God isn't fixing this," why aren't we standing up and saying "We, the children of God, the believers in Christ, will do everything we can to fix this." 

What if we are the answer to the prayers?

Christians, I'm looking at you. I'm looking at us.

What if we are the answers to the prayers of mothers who have lost sons, sons who have lost fathers, and friends who have lost those who they hold dearly?

We could be the answer to the prayers that ring out as sobbing tears of heartbreak overpower the words one could utter; the prayers that desperately escape in wispy breaths as possible victims hide in closets, avoiding shooters.

And I understand, there are many Christians out there who are doing something about this. But why aren't all of us doing something about this? Let's be the image of Christ on earth and stop standing for senseless deaths. Let us offer our actions in tandem with our thoughts and prayers.

In doing so, perhaps change will finally occur.

Find and contact your congressional representative and ask for the gun massacres to stop.

Adulthood

Lunch + apartment hunting

A photo posted by Amanda (@mandalyn93) on Nov 28, 2015 at 1:25pm PST

While the extended Thanksgiving weekend was nice, I spent a lot of Friday and basically all of Saturday doing adult things I've never done before.

When you turn 18, they tell you "Hey, you can vote. You can buy tobacco. You're an adult."
But they don't tell you other important things, like how to create and manage a 401k that's part Roth IRA and part whatever the other option is; or how to find a primary care physician to list on your insurance application when you actually haven't seen a normal doctor (Minute Clinic NP's don't count) in at least two years.

So, after a lot of moaning and cringing, I filled out my insurance and 401k paperwork on Friday with ample help from my mother God bless her soul, then stuffed my face with pie and went to see Spotlight with my best friend Hannah.

I should have known seeing a movie about a group of badass depth reporting journalists would make me second guess my current career choice.

ugh i want to get back into journalism

But really. I'm quite happy in my career, and I'm really going to need that paycheck to keep on coming because my weekend was crowned with apartment shopping! I spent all day Saturday looking at apartments with my cousin. It was pretty exhausting, but also very fun to see the variety of apartments out there.

We looked at a very modern one that grabbed both of our hearts, but without secure parking or two bathrooms, it wasn't a logical choice. After touring all of them, we went to Lux, grabbed some hot drinks, hashed out the pros and cons of each complex and finally settled on a two bed, two bath apartment that we'll begin to call home in January!

To finish it all off, I've created a list called "Adulthood: Things I'm Saving For"

• A capsleeve tattoo
• A cafe racer (or new car)
• A trip to Iceland (actually happening next November)
• A condominium, because Lord knows I never want to pay application/hold/deposit fees on another apartment, like, ever again.

Encouragement

A photo posted by Amanda (@mandalyn93) on Oct 10, 2014 at 9:28pm PDT

Life hasn't been easy, lately. Autumn, as a season, tends to be correlated with loneliness in my life. This autumn is no different.

The relationship I was in has ended.

I'm realizing how few close friends I have left living in Arizona.

I'm preparing for more friends to leave.

Thankfully, in all seasons, there are written words and a few friends I can turn to for encouragement. This Tuesday, I want to share some of these words with you and why they mean so much to me.

You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you, there is more of God and his rule. You’re blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you. You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought. || Matthew 5

I first heard this passage from my yoga instructor a few years ago. It's a different take on The Beatitudes, which are eight verses offering peace and hope to those facing difficult trials in life. This translation is written in second person, which makes it much more personal and easy for me to grasp and recognize that these promises from God are applicable to my life. It's a nice way of reframing life, knowing that even when I feel pretty down and out, I'm still blessed and embraced by God.

Oh, pretenders, let's go down... let's go down, won't you come on down?

Oh, pretenders, let's go down... down to the river to pray.

"Oh, but I'm so afraid" or "I'm set in my ways"

But He'll make the rabbits and rocks sing His praise.

"Oh, but I'm too tired, I won't last long."

No, He'll use the weak to overcome the strong!

Four Letter Word, Pt 2

These lyrics are from mewithoutYou and hold a lot of biblical allusion (for example, saying the rocks will sing His praise is a reference to when Jesus entered Jerusalem a week before being crucified.) The call to go down to the river to pray is an encouragement to leave my comfort zone and seek God without making excuses. It's also incredibly encouraging to remember that my weaknesses can be used as an opportunity to express God's strength.

Rest in my arms,
Sleep in my bed,
There's a design to what I did and said.
Vito's Ordination Song

Mmm, more lyrics. This time, it's Sufjan Stevens. My friend Raquel (one of the few I know I can always talk to) introduced me to this song and I've spent countless hours listening to it on repeat in the past two years. From the time when my parents sold my childhood home (if this hasn't happened to you yet, beware: it'll do a number on you) to the countless nights spent frustrated and stressed over homework, this refrain has acted as a reminder that God's arms are open. They are a place of rest, and there is a holy plan for all the shit that goes on in life.

Comparison is the thief of joy.
Theodore Roosevelt

Sometimes it's really hard to not play the comparison game. It's hard to not look at some of my friends and say "How come you deserve a cute long-term relationship?" or "Why do you have your dream job, and why don't I have mine yet?" Then this simple sentence hits me like a ton of bricks. Comparing myself to my friends, my former classmates, and my acquaintances will get me nowhere good in life. I'm reminded, time and time again, that I am my own person and I am taking a path unlike anyone else around me. I shouldn't be jealous of other peoples' lives, I should be busy enjoying my own.

Tonight I'm taking a little time reading and typing up notable entries from old journals. It's really encouraging to see how I've grown over the past two years. Some difficult and crazy things have happened, but blessings have been numerous as well. I'm excited to see where God will take me next.

A photo posted by Amanda (@mandalyn93) on Mar 17, 2015 at 11:10pm PDT

And last but not least, the final written words I turn to when I need encouragement are my old journals. You never really know where you want to go if you don't remember where you've been, and I've been in some pretty stinky places. My old journals remind me of the hardest things I've experienced, what I thought as I was going through them, and who I relied on and what I did to make it through. The tried and true remedies of the past stand for the future.

A Deeper Look at Gluttony

Morgan McCloy/NPR 

Look at all that tasty, tasty food.

The bright colors and pretty arrangement make you want to eat it all, right?
Same here. Especially those White Castle burgers.

This week, I'm going to refine the reasoning behind my upcoming New Year's Resolution. If you read last week, you probably remember these three points I used to vilify gluttony:

1. It demonstrates insecurity and a distrust in God's nature as provider, 
2. it implies a greedy (can't get enough, don't want to share) intent, and 
3. foods that lead to gluttony are often not vital to life.

The first and second point are intertwined, and the first point of this argument is rooted in my faith. As a Christian, I am called to trust in God as my provider. This means not worrying about where my next meal, roof, paycheck or doughnut is coming from--even if I'm six weeks unemployed.

With all that has been provided in life, why should we feel the need to overindulge? I know I have access to healthy, filling food, so why do I chose to eat a lot of unhealthy food in one sitting? I'm pretty sure it's because I have insecure feelings about food. Like, "oh man, I need to get five doughnuts and eat them all right now with a beer because I'll never be able to find/buy/eat doughnuts ever again."

Goldmine 🍩💖

A photo posted by Amanda (@mandalyn93) on Aug 28, 2015 at 11:05pm PDT

Other times, greed kicks in. Have you ever bought and consumed an entire box of Oreos/Thin Mints/Goldfish crackers? Me too. But why not share the goodness with someone else? Are we afraid of being deprived of some special sensory event? Is it because we spent $4 on that food item? Three Oreos will taste just as good as twenty nine Oreos. One handful of Goldfish crackers will be just as delicious as an entire carton. Greed pushes us to hoard and consume in excess.

These desires and actions are a valid life experience, but also ridiculous, illogical and unhealthy. There will always be more Oreos at the grocery store. There will always be more doughnuts at Bosa. It makes zero sense to eat more than one doughnut in a sitting (or honestly, more than one doughnut in a week) and the same goes for Oreos.* We, as humans, don't need to feel insecure about these foods disappearing, and don't need to be greedy and hoard them.

We have no business in eating all of the sugar, carbs and fat that come from consuming so many unhealthy foods in one sitting. These foods are generally empty calories that aren't providing needed nutrition (fiber, vitamins, minerals, protein, unrefined carbs or unsaturated fat) or sustainable energy for life. There's a reason gluttony is associated with unhealthy things and not apples or cucumbers or tomatoes.

Gluttony detracts from our ability to live healthy. It adds unnecessary, empty calories to our daily diet while leaving us hungry for more. USDA's Economic Research service shows that Americans eat an average of 500 more calories a day presently than they did in 1970. David Just from Cornell University said "I suspect we're eating too many calories from all foods," as he cited the above data in an interview with NPR as a likely cause for obesity increasing in America. "All foods" includes sugar, oil and fat consumption, as pounds per capita vegetable and fruit consumption increased at a slower rate than oil and fat consumption in pounds per capita according to the USDA.

That about sums up my thoughts on gluttony and why I am planning on watching what I eat in the upcoming year. Obviously, a doughnut now and again isn't going to kill me, but I also have no need to eat three a week. I need to work on trusting God to provide for me, to share my junk food when I do get it, and to actively choose to eat healthier foods.

*Disclaimer: There are times when moderation can be thrown out the window. Just look at this feast my journalism classmates and I reaped in Nicaragua when we were working on a deadline and our sources weren't cooperating. That being said, I am a firm believer in moderation. And when excess consumption is done in excess, it should get toned down. Enjoy all things in moderation--even moderation.

Resolutions

I decided to start my New Years' Resolutions early.

One of my resolutions for 2016 is to be more active. Now, that doesn't necessarily mean becoming a gym rat (I hate the gym) but it does mean choosing to spend more time moving. I spend all day sitting at a desk, and when I'm not sitting at a desk, I'm probably eating doughnuts or pizza or drinking lattes or laying in bed watching Netflix...so, yeah. I need to choose to spend more time moving and less time stationary.

This is where I'm starting early. I went to the gym last night for the first time in six-ish (!!!) weeks, and it was hard. Mostly because I forgot my headphones, though. I went a mile in ten minutes on the elliptical and managed to jog a little on the treadmill without falling (I broke my patella in the end of July, and went to physical therapy and was back to pretty dang good. But after sitting in desk for six weeks, my right leg isn't exactly ready to run yet.) I lifted some leg weights, too, and my real goal for now is to get my right leg to the point where I can run come January.

My favorite deadly sin is gluttony.

A photo posted by Amanda (@mandalyn93) on Jan 9, 2015 at 12:10pm PST

Another resolution (that I'm definitely NOT starting yet) is to cut gluttony out of my life. Gluttony is defined as habitual greed or excess in eating, and IMHO, is one of the most overlooked and under-fought sins in life. In preparation for tackling that part of my resolution, I'm going to research a few theories behind why gluttony is a sin.

For starters (and without research, actually) here is my defense for why gluttony is lousy and why we should cut it from our lives:

1. It demonstrates an insecurity and distrust in God's nature as provider.
2. It implies a greedy intent.
3. Foods that lead to gluttony are often not vital to life. Like doughnuts.

Next time, I'll expand on those three things. I'm excited to share this journey with you hooligans.