Earlier today, I was sitting in my office with my feet kicked up, cup of coffee in hand, staring out the window behind my desk. The sound of cars speeding in front of me mixed with "Bitter Memory" by Bahamas as it played behind me.
If anyone would have asked what I was doing, the answer would have been "brainstorming."
Half true; half false.
I was devoting some of my attention to brainstorming the March newsletter (which I probably should have finished earlier this week, but my bosses had other things for me to do so c'est la vie) but I was definitely also thinking about other things. Life things.
My brain was a literal storm.
Thoughts of fulfillment rumbled and dumped rain upon plains of emptiness. Waves of confidence crashed upon cliffs of uncertainty.
I don't know what I'm doing with my life right now, and it's driving me up the wall. I miss learning things in school. I miss spending all day outdoors and in the sun working at camp. I miss interacting with and helping students at the Writing Center. I'm longing for fulfillment and enjoyment of things I've experienced in the past because I'm not finding fulfillment right now.
Have I ever found fulfillment in a job? Maybe.
When I worked at camp, I worked upwards of 60 hours a week and the people I worked with were amazing and the kids I got to hang out with were inspiring. At the writing center, I helped non-traditional students, freshmen and refugees understand the nuances of the English language. Every time I saw the face of a student as he or she understood the difference between a contraction and a plural for the first time, I lit up and knew I changed a little bit of that student's life.
Even when I was an unpaid intern at Roosevelt Row CDC, I felt like I had purpose. People engaged with our Facebook page. They went crazy for adaptive reuse and walkability, which are also two things I go crazy for. I also got to spend a lot of my required working hours taking photos for the Monday Mural campaign and for First and Third Fridays. I wasn't making money, but I was only working 25 hours a week and totally had a great opportunity to collaborate with my supervisor, learn new marketing skills, and interact with the community.
And I really miss all of that.
My fulfillment doesn't come from money. It doesn't come from job security. It isn't buried in my 401k, or the promise of a comfortable retirement where I'll be able to travel.
Fulfillment, to me, is the ability to engage others and encourage others to care about something important while investing in those around me. Fulfillment is being able to enjoy life now rather than waiting to enjoy it when I'm older.
I don't see a lot of this fulfillment in my life right now, and I'm trying to figure out what to do about that.
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